As many of you know I have been working really hard to heal out of survival mode and get out of my own way. And that I have been uncovering and discovering exactly what it means to heal the past that exists in your present, as I go—a past that is stored especially in our bodies. To escape survival mode is a spiritual endeavor, a journey back to ourselves. Here are a few things that I have been learning about myself on this journey:
One of my favorite and more recent realizations is that, much of our anxieties are not about the present moment, they are a memory stored in our bodies from the past—that something in our present (that reminds us of something from the past) is triggering.
The Past is in Our Bodies
I used to get very anxious in the morning when I got ready to film content for social media—something I deeply enjoy. Once I started taking breath work classes, the anxiety I used to experience cleared completely away and I no longer feel anxiety when I film in the mornings (and when I do experience anxiety it is not nearly as paralyzing as it used to be) This was a clear signal to me that my anxiety didn’t have anything to do with the present moment and everything to do with my past. The exact experience that triggered my anxiety in this instance was my day job. When I first moved to Los Angeles I Substitute taught in Public School in order to pay my bills. Substitute Teaching is a very unstable and unpredictable job. I wouldn’t know if I was going in to work or not until the morning of, calling the sub-hotline for jobs each morning was often unpleasant to say the least, many schools wouldn’t honor the 1hr grace period you have to get to your job site and still receive full pay so now your rushing and anxious about that and having to possibly have a tense conversation with the admin, then on top of that dealing with rush hour traffic in Los Angeles and I haven’t even got to the stress of the actual job itself yet! But it got to a point where no matter what I was doing M-F If I am waking up early and getting ready in a similar way that same stress would be triggered and wash all over my body which is why I would experience it while getting ready to make content really early in the morning. Learning about breath work really helped me heal my nervous system; it’s a really great way to clear out that past memory stored in your body. Open (not an ad) has an amazing online breath work practice if you’re interested.
Cringe memories come from a cringe self-concept
There’s a trending sound on Tiktok that highlights the habit we have as people, to be reminded throughout our entire day at random, all of the cringe choices we’ve ever made through our entire lifetime. But why don’t we remember our proudest moments in a similar way? Why don’t we hold our proudest moments in high regard and instead our cringeworthy ones? Our thoughts are so powerful and persuasive and they’re not always obvious or loud. Sometimes our thoughts are simply beliefs that hang in the balances, guiding our lives.
A little over month ago I started to do yoga in the morning. During a couple of my sessions I began to notice that I felt like quitting despite the fact that I was not tired; it confused me. Then I realized that my subconscious beliefs were negative and made me feel defeated. These beliefs were feelings of shame and judgement. So I began to validate myself while on the mat with positive affirmations ‘I am chosen, I am wanted, I am valued, I am loved, I am talented’ and my fatigue turned into peace and feeling refreshed. I now have a ritual where I write down three things at the end of my day that I did that I am proud of. So that I am reminded of my strengths through my day instead of my weaknesses.
If you want more, start by being grateful for what you have
I was feeling very angry and resentful a couple of months ago or so–consistently and on a daily basis. Eventually, being sick and tired of being sick and tired lead me to the idea of gratefulness, and gratefulness is teaching me so much. Gratefulness for who I am and my life has motivated me to make all of the recent lifestyle changes that I have. And it’s really pushing me to see my present and myself in new ways.
What gratefulness is teaching me more recently is: If more is something that exists outside of you, you will never be enough. You will never reach your destination. Your reaching and hoping and wishing is a distraction from the real work you need to do internally; prayer without works is dead. More is something to be imagined and realized in your present. This has not been an easy thing but more than ever I realize that it is the only way. The more you maximize what you have, the more of more you will see in your life.
Gratitude changes things. We spend so much time wishing away our present that one day we will wish away our answered prayers.
I have more but i’ll save it for next week : ) Have a great week!